Week 5 - Identity Crisis

So today I attended a good friends wedding. Was the first time many people got to see me with the new look....

So here is an issue I never expected...

I feel like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and do not really recognize myself anymore. I can't really see what the "new" me looks like yet since the swelling is not gone yet and some bone needs to fill in. Also does not help that there are portions of my face I still can't feel. Try and kiss my boyfriend and it feels strange.

I warn all of you out there that if you are having this surgery or something similar, do not make other drastic changes. 3 days before my surgery I dyed my hair. The lady says this is my natural color according to my roots. However, for my entire life I have been a redhead. This is my "identity". Apparently that changed over the years and my natural color is a dark brown. This started the crisis. I have also been highlighting my hair for many years, so looking at this single tone of dark brown is throwing me off.

My whole life I wasn't able to close my lips and my upper lip was cherubic and heart shaped. Now with the surgery I can close them and the upper looks very different. When I smile I see 6 straight teeth not just the front 2. The right side looks puffier than the left. My chin is much larger than it was before and a different shape. Where they cut the bones in my jaw there is an indention. Behind it some swelling. There used to be a straight smooth line down my jaw. This is no more.

So on top of the new hair color and new face, I have lost about 12 lbs from the liquid diet and all. So even my body has changed. Boobs are smaller, thighs are smaller. Sounds great but it just adds to the differences. I went out and bought some dresses since I am thinner and since I normally don't wear dresses this adds to the strangeness.

So we have new hair color, new facial structure, numbness, new wardrobe....So why did I run out and cut my hair shorter? Everyone likes it. I can look in the mirror and see that I look very good. It feels like the "after" photos on one of those extreme makeover shows. Yes, looks nice...but....it's not ME! I have spent 30 years building one identity and now almost overnight there is this new person staring back at me in the mirror. Wonder if the people on those shows feel the same.

It's frustrating not being able to get back to normal. Part of my identity was my career and now being off for 8 weeks, even that is gone. Hopefully when I get back next week the rhythm of it all will help me get used to the change. Looking forward to the day when I can chew my food without so much thought and effort, kiss my love with no strangeness, and touch my chin and not feel like it is a strange object on my face.